First of all I apologize for not posting regularly on my blog anymore. Suffice it to say college is insanely busy right now. I have no time for watching movies/shows/anime/anything, just doing my work and keeping up with needed writing and reading on the side, and that is about it. In fact the only reason I am able to write this post is because it is so unbearably humid and hot that I could not focus on any college work or focused writing to save my life. So I'm back.
I just need to write this post to confess something. I don't know who is going to read this, but I don't even care anymore. I need to get this out of my system because it's a big issue for me.
I'll start by saying, that ongoing post series "Why I Love Cad Bane"? Somewhere in there I talked about how one of the reasons I love Cad Bane is because of how close our personalities match up, how Cad Bane is all my dark side. One of those dark sides is that I am a lone wolf. "I work alone," as Bane once put it. I don't like going out and mingling with social groups, I don't enjoy "hanging out" or going to parties or wedding receptions, I hate large groups and I hate being in the company of more than two or three acquaintances at a time. Just like Cad Bane (if you pay close attention you can tell he is more in his element either when he's working alone or when he gets to be in charge - and I couldn't say I don't like being the boss either). I used to think this was just a part of my personality, that it was based solely off of who I am inside. And that is partly true.
But some things that happened this week have brought a really dark subject to light for me. I realized that I like working alone, yes, partly because of my personality, but because of things that have happened to me in the past. What do I mean by that?
(Note: when I talk about "friends" here, please keep in mind that I am not talking about online friendships, nearly all of which have been very positive and strong for me. These "friends" are the ones I know off-line who I mingle with face to face.)
The truth is, when I start sparking up a friendship with somebody, I immediately want to pull away because I am afraid of rejection. I have been rejected too many times by so-called "friends" in the past. From when I was 2 to about 13 I had a very close friend, a pen pal, who I wrote many short stories with and invented entire "Alternate Universes" with. She was the big sister I never had, the Han to my Luke, the Anakin to my Obi-Wan. But then she seemed to slowly lose interest in our friendship. I suppose it was because she already had enough friends at school, so it would be pointless to continue conniving with her odd conservative Christian cousin. Now we are strangers. And dare I say, the only reason we are not enemies is because we keep our conversations as shallow as possible.
I had some good friendships at our old home, but just as we were becoming very close and I could feel that profound intimacy start between us, guess what? We moved out of state. That was the end of that.
For several years I watched my siblings make friendships left and right while I had none. I know wishing upon a star is pagan and completely pointless, and I grew up knowing that, but one night I caught myself wishing on a star for just one friend. That would have been enough. About two years ago I finally, finally began forging a friendship with someone again...and then she moved out of state as well. This isn't counting all the other people who have said you're their friend once and then never talk to you again...OR, they're nice to you the first couple times you meet them and then they start noticing things about you they can poke fun at (like loving Star Wars, which would have pulled me away from the franchise forever were it not for Cad Bane). But I think the worst one is when you are someone's "friend" only because their other friends are currently absent, so as soon as their friends return you are left in the dust.
So now pretty much any friendship I would have once constituted as a "BFF" is gone, and I feel like that is my lot in life. That friendships are never meant to last anyway...either the person will use you, become bored with you, or one of you will leave.
I don't like being used by people just so they can have a companion to compensate for the absence of their real friends. I don't like forming a bond with someone I know will be taken away from me in time anyway. I've been used too many times, and done away with too many times. Why try again only to be heartbroken again?
My mind tells me, "You're better off just going at it alone, because at least you'll be the only one hurting yourself. You might be lonely but at least there is only one person to blame. It's better to keep your heart to yourself rather than expose it and let it be cut down. So you can like people and let them like you, but don't be a "friend." And especially don't have a "best friend" because there is no such thing. Friendships never work, so don't bother trying." I finally figured out this is what my mind has been telling me.
God, can I relate to Bane. He has one companion, a little droid named Todo, whom he detonates as part of his plan to steal a Jedi Holocron. After all, how much less painful is it to use someone else than to be used? How much better to be alone with no one to watch your back than to have a companion who may potentially stab you in the back? How much easier to work alone. That is also why I will never forgive Obi-Wan for what he did in "Crisis on Naboo", betraying Bane's trust like that...because, sure, I've never been pummeled to the ground by a Jedi, but I sure as hell know the feeling of just reaching out to trust someone only to realize they used you as a pawn. I don't see Obi-Wan talking in that scene; I see the faces of all those people who said "You're my best friend forever!" and could not remember my name a minute later.
Don't get me wrong, he is one of the best Star Wars characters. But damn you, Obi-Wan. Damn you.
But what do I do now? Am I fated to just run on with my life without any friendships, refusing to risk rejection again? Do I live the rest of my life alone? Or can I learn to trust again, to risk rejection with the benefit of that profound intimacy with another person I miss so goddamn much, but is the one thing I have always felt like was never mine to deserve? How much longer am I going to let the Devil tell me I am not worthy of friendship?
What is a "friend"? And how I am going to learn how to be a friend again? How can I learn to not always work alone?